The worst people at the airport

Sourced from InsideHook

“People on planes are the worst,” Louis CK once posited. He had a point.

And while some of the blame rests with the airlines, we as passengers need to ’fess up. We are also awful.

So, herein: the 70 worst people at the airport, ranked by the egregiousness of their behavior.

People doing yoga at the gate

Attendants who make seat-row announcements. “Hello, this is your gerrofur felta furda grr feddle. Blara derb cursor ferd jerbaherbajerb. Have a nice flight.”

Anyone who says something to the effect of “Do you know who I am?” at check-in

Guy running through the airport

Peek-a-boo kid in front of you

Johnny Depp. C’mon man. You had to wear all that jewelry today?

That guy who wants to tackle the crossword in the in-flight magazine as a team (“Hey, what do you have for 31 down?”)

Anyone who still calls flight attendants “stewardesses”

People with colds/flu/Zika/Ebola

People who allow their kids to crowd the baggage carousel

People who try to come up from coach and use the first-class restroom. Mind the curtain.

People who get drunk at 8 A.M.

D.B. Cooper. Or is he kinda the best? So selfish, but such panache.

Your seatmates who just became BFFs

The Kindly Brontosaurus

Your smug friend who just got TSA pre-check and walk through security in a minute, then texts, “Where are you?”

People who can’t lift their own bag off the conveyer (they’re usually wearing Uggs)

Anyone wearing pajamas

People who buy luggage at the airport. How late do you have to be?

Dude riding around on a luggage scooter.
Dude on luggage scooter: “But I read about this on InsideHook!”
IH: “Fair.”

Guy who put a cake through the X-ray machine and got icing all over the bags behind it (Ed. note: This happened. We still have iced bags to prove it.)

Whoever already did the in-flight magazine Sudoku

The person who buys a seat for their dog

Chatty Lyft/Uber/taxi drivers (Ed. note to my driver in New Orleans: I’m glad you have a great idea for an app. I’m less enthused about the BJ you got from a college girl the night before. “My wife hates that story.” So do we.)

Anyone with an “emotional support animal”

The gentleman in the next stall with a “wide stance”

Whoever’s manning the “ground transportation booth” at any airport. Useful, you are not.

People who don’t know how to handle their Ambien

The guy who takes a bath in the restroom sink

Aisle sitters who scrunch their knees instead of standing up when you need to get back to your seat

People who make little noises with their mouths (lip-smacking, tooth-sucking, etc.)

38. The guy who demands a seat change rather than ride next to a woman

Dude who moves super-slow with his hot pink LV luggage through the taxi line to the point where the dispatcher is exasperatedly tapping her watch (Ed. note: Pretty sure that was Slick Rick)

The person who doesn’t understand how tray tables work

The person who doesn’t understand how seatback entertainment systems work

Little kid in the next seat checking out the R-rated movie you’re watching

The family of 11 inevitably in front of you at check-in

People who roll their eyes when seated near families/babies, or loudly wonder, “Why aren’t there baby-free sections?”

Drooling and/or leaning sleepers

Flight attendants who don’t give a f*** about your transfer flight.

The old lady who makes you her caretaker

The person who takes your seat and gets grumpy when you make them move

The person who “doesn’t need to” check their bag, and then when it won’t fit in the bin has to salmon against the flow of traffic to get it gate-checked

People who show up late for their flight and think they get to cut the security line

Armrest thieves

People who use the seatback pouch as a trash bin

People who block the passing lane on moving walkways

Sometimes two people who are together sit aisle/window and put their bags in the middle seat. Yeah, you know who you are. You’re terrible.

“Oops I forgot to shower” guy

The guy watching porn

Anyone with smelly food/feet

People who hover near the gate when they’re calling boarding zones

Person who asks you to switch to a less desirable seat so that they can sit next to their loved one. Don’t put me in the position of seeming like an asshole when you are the asshole, sir.

Guy watching a movie without earbuds

PDA couple who kiss and scratch each others heads the whole flight

Everyone on here

Outlet monopolizers

People who put their belt/shoes/watch back on at the end of the X-ray belt instead of proceeding to the designated area like a civil human being

Anyone clipping their nails and/or practicing personal hygiene in flight

In-seat diaper changer

In-seat adult diaper changer

Flight attendant who gets hit in the head with a bag, comes completely unglued, unleashes a profanity-laden tirade over the PA, grabs two beers, pulls the emergency slide to make his exit, and then gets his own Wikipedia page. Oh wait … that guy is an American hero. What’s he doing on this list?

People who crowd the baggage carousel

People who don’t have their boarding pass and passport/license already ready when they get to the TSA agent, despite having been been instructed to do so approximately 15 times

Children who can’t stop kicking your seat

The in-flight farter

People who take their socks off in-flight

The person in front of you in line who thinks their inconvenience is a greater inconvenience than any inconvenience that’s ever been suffered by anyone, anywhere.

Do you agree? Would you add anything to the list?

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